suicunesrider:

jaclcfrost:

jaclcfrost:

let me just tell you. the easter bunny is real, all right. real grumpy. real annoying. and really full of himself

don’t let the easter kangaroo see this

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  • 16 hours ago
  • 22148

Actual Quotes from my Dad (An English Teacher)

  • Dad:Why the hell did you put a comma there?
  • Dad:Do you even know what a participial phrase is?
  • Dad:Omg. He's like my favorite character of all time.
  • Dad:Who should I dress up as for the movie premier?
  • Dad:Hey are you awak? I know it's late, but you read Animal Farm, right? Yeah. I need you to read this report. I can't tell if I am just super tired or if this is actual bullshit.
  • Dad:Alesha wouldn't be able to spell 'definitely' right if wrote it down for her. She would fucking erase it and then write 'defiantly', because she doesn't care. I hate her.
  • Dad:I need you to bake brownies. I lost a bet.
  • Dad:Omg. You cannot ship me with Gilcher. You know I don't like tattoos and he's like twenty-five. And for Christ's sake, he teaches math.
  • Dad:Omg. Gilcher said the funniest thing today.
  • Dad:Mrs. Ashworth and I have decided to start a band. It'll be called Great Expectations.
  • Dad:It's like you didn't read the fucking book.
  • Dad:Okay. So this week you're reading this book I stole from Mrs. Ashworth's. It's like sixty pages long, but you'll love it.
  • Dad:*puts books on my bed for me to read everyday and demands that I read them*
  • Dad:My son doesn't like reading. I have not only failed him, but society. You aren't my son. Leave.
  • Dad:Okay. So you're getting books for Christmas. All of you. I get discounts on them since I'm a teacher, and since I'm a teacher, it's all I can afford, so...
  • Dad:Fucking standardized testing can go fuck itself in the ass.
  • Dad:I have to teach for the required testing instead of what they really need to know.
  • Dad:Fuck the government.
  • Dad:Fuck the school board.
  • Dad:Close the door.
  • Dad:Charles Dickens was so fucking pretentious, and I hate him, but he also caused change, but he's such a Dick. Ha. DICKens.
  • Dad:I love puns.
  • Dad:People who say sarcasm is the lowest form of humor are assholes.
  • Dad:Please shut up.
  • Dad:Catching Fire was the worst book but the best movie and that feels weird.
  • Dad:I wouldn't get so mad when you call me at school if you didn't change your ringtones to inappropriate rap music.
  • Dad:I fucking hate Alesha. She asked what countries were apart of Austria-Hungary today and I almost told her to get out.
  • Dad:You cannot visit my school in a dress that short. There are boys there.
  • Dad:Barbra Parks is fucking Queen.
  • Dad:I need you to make me a good, relaxing playlist for silent reading. I'm too lazy.
  • Dad:If I have to watch two of my students grind on each other at one more dance, I will kill them both.
  • Dad:They act like I care what they think.
  • Dad:I hate homework.
  • Dad:I have decided to become a politician.
  • Dad:What's the one book with the guys and the one kills the other and the chick without a name who dies and the short angry man? Mouseman? Oh my fucking gosh. Of Mice and Men. I have failed.
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  • 16 hours ago
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  • 1 day ago
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  • 1 day ago
  • 202295

looxury:

HAVE YOU EVER FELT SO DESPERATE ABOUT SOMEONE NOT LIKING YOU BACK, THAT YOU JUST GET THIS TIGHT, SQUEEZING FEELING IN YOUR CHEST AND IT JUST HURTS SO MUCH

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  • 1 day ago
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  • 1 day ago
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joeyrichtersbottom:

aimmyarrowshigh:

I wish we said “fancy” in America. As in, “I fancy you.” It’s such a more agreeable term than “I have a crush on you.”  What’s a crush? Like, I AM A BOA CONSTRICTOR AND I AM GOING TO IMMOBILIZE YOU WITH MY MISPLACED AND OBSESSIVE AFFECTION.  “I fancy you” is like, you’re so shiny and glittery and I just want to put you on a shelf and look at you for a while ‘cause you’re fancy.

in australia we just exchange boomerangs 

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  • 1 day ago
  • 278472

khaleesiunchained:

monicalewinsky1996:

floatingpoop:

step 1: make girl laugh
step 2: make girl moan

fact: most men cant accomplish either
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  • 1 day ago
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fvming:

If only I was given a dollar for every time I made myself look stupid in front of a cute person

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  • 1 day ago
  • 86932

heckstasy:

How to Have Sex:

  • spin around
  • S TOP
  • double take tHREE TIMES
  • 1
  • 2
  • PELVICC TTTHHRRUSUUSTT
  • WOOOOOO WOOOOO
  • stop on ur right foot DON TF OREGT IT
  • BRING IT ARROUUNNNDD TOWN BRING IT AROUNNNDDDD TOOOWWWWNNNNNN
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  • 1 day ago
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  • 1 day ago
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grumpysalmon:

lameborghini:

why do guys always gotta jiggle their leg in class ……. shhhh shh relax ..calm down…..it’ll b ok

ghosts sucking me off

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  • 1 day ago
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